I’m Back

thailand-flagI am back in the land of Tantra! I am back on the island that was my home for three months last year. Although my time here will not be for as long I will be soaking up as much as I can.

I left Australia on such a high and with so much gratitude in my heart and now I am ready and open to what this blissful island has in store for me this time.

First thing is first, within the first couple days of my arrival I found a place to stay, had sex and got a yoni massage. My priorities are clearly set.

I feel so good and so blissful on this island, aligning and reminding me of where and the kind of life I want to be living.

I have noticed enormous growth since my arrival here last year. This journey has required me to be independent and venture out completely on my own. Now I feel is the time to invite in, create and grow a spiritual family. What I mean by that is create the friends and family that I have always wanted and didn’t get when growing up. A support network and inner circle of like minded people.

I am craving company, connection and support. I have gotten quite comfortable with being out on my own but now I feel is the time to really develop some soulful connections.

There is fear and inadequacy most definitely. How do you go about creating these types of relationships as an adult? I feel a bit clumsy as I imagine myself navigating through these new and unknown waters. However, the intention has been set and now it is my job to listen and follow the guidance that is sent my way.

A new experience here is Thailand is just beginning and I can’t wait to see what is in store.

Much love,

Kerri xo

Another Chapter

new-startWell, I am off again. Excited for another chapter, a new adventure but feeling exhausted having to uproot and pack up everything and start again.

I have managed to fit my life into two suitcases and backpack that weighs nearly 25 lbs. I love travelling but I am finding myself craving long term connections and roots. Basically, I want the best of both worlds, a planet to explore and roots to come back to.

Let’s see how the Universe and I can manifest that.

Sydney gave me a beautiful goodbye, lunches and talks with those I met while there, climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge and a walk through Darling Harbour. I know enough to know that these experiences were a true gift versus a sign to stay.

Now the question is where to go next? What place will give me the people and experiences I need to best grow and expand my soul, connections and purpose? A few options have arisen and we will see how things play out over the next few weeks.

As for right now, I am heading back to Thailand. I will be back in the land of Yoga and Tantra for the next few weeks and I am eager to experience the lessons that will inevitably appear. I will also be paid a visit by my father’s sister and mother, whom I’ve never met, so that will be interesting and bring forward new challenges and experiences to share with you all.

As I move forward to yet another new and unknown chapter, I know that life will deliver experiences to me that will guide and send me to exactly where I need to be. My past experiences have taught me to let go of the anxiety that the unknown can bring and instead to bring in excitement and eagerness to see what surprises and blessings the Universe will bring forth.

Much love,

K xo

The Good Stuff

Soul sistersI work at self-awareness, trying my best to notice when I am triggered by something or someone and see what that means for me. If a particular person is being quite arrogant for example and I am bothered by it I ask myself why that is bothering me and perhaps where I am being arrogant in my own life. 

I am quick to look at the negative and try to find where I hold that trait within myself and process and heal what is behind the triggering emotion. 

Never did I really take the time to look at the positive things that stand out to me in others and where that may reside within myself. 

I had a beautiful encounter with a new friend, we had many things in common and I enjoyed our new-found connection and soulful chats. I began to take a step back and observed the qualities I noticed and what I admired about her. 

My new friend was so kind, trusting, open-hearted, willing to open up and share and so generous. These qualities stood out for me and I wondered why these beautiful qualities were standing out so strongly to me. 

I haven’t always felt or thought of myself as someone who can open up and trust so easily. My new friend was so trusting of me with what she shared. It felt so warm and comforting to have someone share their story and experience with me and it made it so safe and desirable for me to share my experiences, desires and dreams. 

This encounter showed me my own ability to trust and open up to others. My friend also showed me that the great qualities I saw in her I to possess. 

I spent time with another friend while I was visiting Melbourne. It was so nice to have a companion and friend to spend time and explore the city with. 

We shared what was each going on for us and gave each other heart advice and encouragement. I felt so at ease with this friend, she was easy to be around and talk to. I shared  with her how good it felt to just be with her and she shared the same with me. It felt so fulfilling to spend time with her and share experiences and feelings. 

Although it is a good thing to look at what is triggering us and why, these experiences taught me to look at the positive traits that stood out so strongly for me. Noticing my own kindness, trustworthiness and openheartedness gave these qualities permission to shine even more from within myself. 

I was also reminded the ultimate importance of female friendships and how hungry I’ve truly been for them. 

Thank you sisters!

Much love, 

K xo 

Eat Pray Love Made Me Do It

eat pray love meNext year will be the 10 year anniversary of Eat Pray Love and because of this Elizabeth Gilbert and her publisher are coming our with an anthology, a collection of essays of women’s stories who were inspired by this beautiful book.

I made by submission and even though it was not selected I thought I would share it with you all anyway. Think of it as an executive summary of my life between 2013-2015.

Enjoy!

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There I was like many other women in 2007 reading ‘Eat Pray Love’. I was happily in a relationship with a man who years later would become my husband. I thought it was a lovely story but at the time it didn’t and wouldn’t resonate or mirror anything I was or would be going through, after all I was in love and we planned to get married.

If only I knew the seed that this book had planted in my life.

While watching Elizabeth Gilbert in an interview and hearing other women share their experiences about following their truth and how they really hurt someone caused my heart to sink. I thought to myself ‘that is my worst nightmare’, the idea of leaving and hurting my partner whom I had committed myself too.

Fast forward six years later, there I was walking through our big, recently purchased, empty house as my husband runs around taking measurements. He could not be happier and I earlier that day professed to my mother “I don’t think I want to be married anymore”.

What was happening? My life looked successful as I headed towards completing everything I had set out to obtain. I was married, in a good nine to five job, we had just purchased a big home we planned to start renovating and with plans to start a family within the next year. What more could I want?

I couldn’t ignore it any longer and in the most difficult conversation I had ever had to have I left.

Although it was painful and even though I chose to leave my heart still broke but even amongst that pain I knew I had to leave. It was like something was calling me and even with a path of uncertainty ahead I had to answer it.

Very shortly after leaving my husband I entered into a short but lustful affair with an unavailable man. It was a cheap and easy escape from the reality I was living and distracted me from really looking at what was going on in my life, why it was happening and what was there for me to learn from it? This rush of lust was distracting me from the call upon my life.

Then came the catalyst, the true wake up call to not only end the distraction but to put a final end to the mediocrity and smallness that I was living. I remember my husband’s phone call as he asked me to sit down. My immediate thought was something had happened to my grandmother. He then said “Nicholas (my 17 year old brother) killed himself”, I spiraled amongst the shock and trauma knowing my life had been forever changed.

The shock stayed with me for weeks, however even amongst the trauma, chaos and horror I knew this was a call to put an end to the way I was living my life and to change all of myself. The following year was all about healing, I began to see my therapist more regularly and even spent three weeks in Ubud, Bali much like Elizabeth Gilbert and attended a spiritual retreat.

When I returned from Bali my environment was the same but I was different and it no longer fit. I explored my interests as well as my bank account and discovered that I could get a work visa for Australia and take some time to travel. My journey would start off with a ten-day meditation retreat in Malaysia, another retreat in Bali, and followed by three months living in a tantric yoga community, quite a different choice than Ms.Gilbert’s commitment to celibacy.

This journey began by releasing my old life. I got all my possessions from my one bedroom apartment down to two suitcases by donating and selling everything I owned. I resigned from my job. There I was at the airport having with me everything that I now owned all fitting on an airport luggage cart. In a daze and with faith in my heart, my friends sent me off as I said good-bye to my old life. The unknown was now my travelling companion.

I arrived in Malaysia and was taken out to a Vipassana retreat centre. Here I would spend the next ten days doing ten hours of meditation a day, eating only two meals a day and refraining from both talking to and making eye contact with anyone. The ten days were a roller coaster to say the least. I went through every emotion possible and observed the sheer insanity of my thoughts. I remember crying uncontrollably with fear and uncertainty of the path I was on and heading towards. By the end of the ten days I felt clear and lighter; although it was tough there was a sense of accomplishment in my ability to look at and witness the insanity of my thoughts disappear without becoming attached or anxious about them.

I then jetted off, returning to Bali to assist on another retreat. Bali again didn’t fail to disappoint. I experienced and witnessed healing, I spent time with traditional Balinese healers, a priestess, a high priestess and sacred sites. Bali affirms to me what I already know and gives me a tangible experience of the divine. I can’t argue with the knowing that there is one ultimate, divine source and that I somehow play apart.

I spent the first of my three months in Thailand in a 30 day yoga intensive. I started to notice how I held emotions in my body and how during and after certain poses I would start to cry. I began to notice how I struggled to embrace my femininity. There were women who walked around in long skirts, baring their midriff and moving in such a way where they appeared to be so open. I became very aware of my restrictedness, tightness and how closed off I was. Just the mere thought of dressing more feminine, moving with confidence in my body and being more open was scary, intimidating and daunting.

I began my first tantra course and noticed how my tightness put up a wall between me and both men and women, which manifested in not being approached by anyone; there I was closed off and restricted on the outside but crying out for connection on the inside.

After some loving suggestions I began to dress more feminine. I started to wear dresses for no particular reason and put on jewellery just because I wanted to feel good. I challenged myself to flirt more. I even started sleeping naked to masturbating more frequently.

With the awakening of my feminine self, I continued taking tantra courses. As my courses and my time in Thailand began to end I found myself opened beyond my wildest dreams. What made me fall in love with tantra in the first place is the reverence for women, how it acknowledges and places value upon the colourful, fierce and manifestation qualities of the divine feminine. I fell in love with myself as the divine feminine.

I participated in various partner and group activities: fantasy sharing, eye gazing, being massaged my three men on the most self-conscious area of my body (stomach) and straddling a man while we both practiced intense, almost orgasmic breathing in a group of 50 other couples. Safe to say my sexual self was beginning to emerge.

During one final ceremony we partnered up and conducted various rituals, I remember being asked along with all the other women to stand up while our male partner remained seated and to strike a particularly powerful pose. The men were asked to observe and revere the woman before them. There I was fully in my femininity and being revered in the process. We all then sat in a circle and were guided through a meditation, in this very moment I was in a complete state of bliss, observing myself and my life’s perceived imperfections. Seeing how everything was beautiful and ideal, I had tears streaming down my face. This is where I was being pulled to go, the call I felt when asked to leave my marriage. This, I thought to myself, is where it wanted me to go, this is what it was wanting me to discover.

I loved my life, my body and everything I am and was in that very moment. This is who I was and desired to continue to be. In that moment I expressed gratitude to everyone and everything that got me to this exact moment.

Eat, Pray, Love was the permission slip to venture off, to abandon a life that didn’t serve who I was meant to be. Permission to go out, discover and create a life I love. Although I may not have used the permission it granted right away, it was there waiting for me all along.

Through embarking on my own Eat, Pray, Love Journey I was guided to and given my most treasured gift, myself.

Much Love,

Kerri xo

Lighten’ Up!

JoyHi, my name is Kerri and I’m addicted to personal development. Seriously, I am always looking at the next book to read, workshop to take and next you tube clip that is going to contribute to my so-called ‘enlightenment’ or ‘evolvement’.

I received a beautiful gift, a weekend visit from a friend, that would totally shake up my scheduled-to-a-tee weekend.

I took a day off work and we travelled outside Sydney to the Blue Mountains. We explored the small town, went for a beautiful hike and talked along the way. When we returned we continued to explore a nearby harbour.

My routine was completely thrown out of the window for the whole weekend, which was exactly what I needed.

We continued to explore the beautiful city that I have the privilege of living in, exploring markets, Sydney Harbour Bridge, the Opera House, Bondi beach, and Newtown. It was refreshing and exactly what I needed.

This weekend was very fun, but most importantly it was filled with connection. In addition to realizing that at times I need to shake things up, I also require the company and connection of others, particularly women.

My exercise, yoga and meditation regime may not have happened during this weekend but my soul was fed in another way reminding me the gift of women, friendship and connection – and the need to have some fun!

I guess the schedule will have to be thrown out a little more often.

Wishing you all a little extra fun today, and everyday.

Much love,

Kerri xo

Realizing the Lesson

Light-in-HeartI’m writing a book. I decided that the last two years of my life have been quite interesting and I know I’ve learnt a lot and grown exponentially. There are many lessons and tools I’ve gathered that I think other people, women in particular, can learn from.

Initially, I thought me writing a book was ridiculous and even laughable, but I felt what I had to say was important and that it would be a great gift to myself to look back on and give myself credit for all that I faced in such a short period of time.

As I began writing I looked back on not only the last two years but my entire life. Reliving it all again I began to appreciate myself and all I’ve been able to handle. I looked at the lessons I’ve gained along the way and the tools and advice that were so crucial in my ability to move forward.

So I wrote out my story, and developed some worksheets and activities so that my reader could be equipped with what I learnt but in a much easier way; let’s hope that not everyone needs to go through a divorce and death to get these lessons.

I found a woman who was an editor and hired her to edit my book. At the end she suggested that I have a stronger closing or summary to my book. I was stumped. How do I summarize everything? So much had happened; how was everything connected? What were the main learnings?

I pondered for days, looking at my childhood, relationships, marriage, the death of my brother, friendships, experiences, travel, tantra and new beginnings. What was it all trying to teach me? I sat down at my laptop and just started to write hoping that it would all come together and it did.

I completed my (first) so-called ‘spiritual journey’ just prior to approaching my 30th birthday, the first act of my life was coming to a close. How did I want the second act to look? How could I ensure that my new beginning was just that, new, not filled with or influenced by past patterns and beliefs.

After some time writing, I got it.

As I was approaching the second act of my life, God was asking me to forgive, forgive it all, and move forward with an open heart.

The attachments, stories and separateness needed to end. It was time now to no longer give energy to what happened and put energy into opening my heart to all the relationships and experiences that await.

So, the journey was heart opening and it’s now my job to keep opening up and not allow my history to influence my moving forward towards love.

From my open heart to yours.

Much love,

Kerri xo

Workin’ the Pole

Screen Shot 2015-09-15 at 10.16.06 PMI signed up for pole dancing. I missed participating in something where I could explore my femininity and sensuality and be around women who were interested in exploring the same thing.

I walked in for my first class; a bit nervous of course as I didn’t know what to expect, what I’d be ask to do or wear. As I waited to enter the classroom, I saw many of the more experienced students and the teachers walking around comfortably in underwear and stripper shoes. Most of them stood around and spoke with other teachers and students with such ease, no worries or self consciousness about their nearly naked bodies being on display.

I saw many students and teachers of all different shapes and sizes who, as it appeared to me, had no qualms about being in nothing but a bra and underwear in front of all the other women. It felt comforting and natural in a way and it especially felt good to be around the energy of other women who were in complete acceptance of their bodies.

As the course began we were taught a routine to Pharell’s ‘Come get it babe’. Truthfully, swinging from the pole was fun; when I was up there I really enjoyed it and got right in to it! It felt sexy and playful.

The choreography itself was tough and I found myself always looking to the teacher which means my moves were 3 seconds behind everyone else, which I am sure if it was being filmed would have looked ridiculous and comical.

I missed one of my classes during the week so I had to make it up on the weekend. I arrived being the only beginner student so I had a bit of a one on one with the teacher. That was fine

but she then informed me that a bunch of the other classes were performing for each other and that she and I would be joining them! I was not looking forward to this.

She went to see if the classes were ready and then came to get me. There I was in my stripper shoes, short shorts and belly shirt as I needed my stomach fat exposed to help keep me against the pole all in front of more experienced dancers. The beginners class was asked to come up and everyone soon realized that there was no plural as it was just me and my teacher. As I got up and stood beside the teacher, the music began, I was terrified.

Still ensure with the choreography I kept looking to her; I was an obvious beginner. When I went into specific moves on the pole, climbing up and swinging around, I was cheered on by a group of women I have never met. The encouragement from other women felt good and the dancing, although I was still learning, felt empowering.

The next week when I returned to my familiar group we had to perform in front of the guests they all brought. I entered into this performance a little more confident than the week before and it felt good shakin’ my booty and not having the time to fret over my exposed mid section.

All in all it felt good, and just like naked yoga it reminded me of the natural love and encouragement that exists between women. There, as it appeared to me, was no ill will or jealousy as all the women were so encouraging and supportive of one another.

I have now started the next level of pole dancing and in the first class we were asked to swing ourselves upside down. I haven’t been able to do it just yet but I’ll keep you all posted!

Much love and sexiness to you all,

Kerri xo