London’s Calling

Union-jackAs I was getting ready to leave Australia many of my co-workers were sharing that they had previously visited and worked in London. One day, one of my co-workers mentioned how you could still apply for a working holiday visa at the age of 30, which I am.

The seed was planted.

The idea began to grow and I couldn’t shake it. So before I left Australia the application was lodged and while in Bangkok I finished the application and was quickly approved.

So with a 2-year UK visa in hand I began to plan out the next two years of my life, which looks like a lot of back and forth from the UK to Thailand until my visa expires. Although with so much uncertainty in my life, I liked having a plan set out. Although nothing is guaranteed, I secretly missed the thrill of not knowing what was around the corner.

Never the less, my plan was set and I arrived in London at the beginning of February, starting from scratch in a new city and not knowing anyone. Even though this wasn’t the first time I had done this, the fear was still there and the negative talk and self-doubt still ran rampant.

But in true Kerri fashion I did it anyway.

So I have created a plan for the next two years… let’s see what pans out.

Much Love,

K xo

Is this working?

Butterfly-Detail

I was back in my tantric community, my favourite place in the world immersed in yoga and tantra workshops. 

As I attended tantra lectures and participated in exercises I began to be confronted with even more of my ‘stuff’, such as insecurities, judgements and criticism of myself and others. 

I was frustrated. I mean I kept bumping up against shit all the time, seeing my blockages, resistance and limitations and feeling feelings that frustrated me. 

I was feeling a bit hopeless to be quite honest. 

As a friend and I were having lunch I was sharing my feelings and experiences with him. We first met each other last year so he had met me when I first arrived at this yoga school. As I shared with him my feelings of not getting anywhere and not making any progress in my personal evolution he said to me “You’re changing, I can see”. 

A breathed a sigh of relief and gratitude of my friends observation. 

This comment had me reflect on where I was prior to heading out on my travels and leaving Canada and yes, of course, there has been transformation. 

Realizing my growth made me feel better on what more there is to discover, unravel and release within myself. 

As I look forward to where I desire to be, I mean that has even changed. I now desire an unconventional life of entrepreneurship, open relationships and living on a tropical island. Safe to say things have changed. 

So although the road of transformation and evolvement may feel long, strenuous and always continuous it’s worth it and truly I never could nor would I want to go back. I am grateful for where I am, the progress I have made and the direction I am headed. 

Yours in evolution and much love, 

K xo 

Purification & Release

emotional-release-glastonbury-1With my stay in Thailand extended (poor me, right?) I made a short visit to Bali to see my friend, mentor and therapist as well as some Canadian friends I had not seen for a while. 

I arrived and made plans to visit with friends but also to visit some sacred sites and Balinese healers. 

First on my list was a Balinese High Priestess who gives powerful water purifications. My friends and I went together and I approached the High Priestess for my water purification along with a friend. The High Priestess began changing and pouring water over our heads, asking us to stomp our feet and make noise to help us experience a release. At one point the High Priestess said to me “Cry, let it out cry” as if she knew there was something ready to be released. Then my friend next to me gently tapped my lower back (emotionally your lower back is associated with finances and emotional support) and I instantly began to cry as the High Priestess continued to pour water over me. A big release for sure. 

The next day I was off to one of my favourite Balinese healers; this was my fourth visit and as usual I was so excited to see him. I sat in front of him and he began to hit certain pressure points on my head and identify what was off for me. I then laid down as he hit certain points on the toes of my left foot. There were points so painful I thought I would levitate off the ground. His conclusion, I had a past trauma that is still leading to anxiety, stress and worry. He also said that something in my reproductive area was off. So he went to work standing over me, doing energy work, and making patterns with his wand over my body. Once he was finished he told me that the residue of my trauma was now gone and that my ovaries were now active again. 

I left feeling so grateful and blessed to be in his presence. 

Later on that same day I had a therapy session and during the session I could feel the purification set in, my throat began to hurt and I started to get quite warm. 

In the evening I visited a holy site that has fountains for every chakra of your body, as well as for love, abundance, your ancestral line, the masculine and feminine in your own being and so on. I felt like absolute heaven being in the water and I didn’t want to leave. Another purification had occurred. 

I left back to Thailand feeling grateful and knowing some things had shifted and been released for me. 

Interestingly enough, prior to my trip to Bali I was having difficulty having orgasms during sex, I mean they just weren’t happening. When I returned to Thailand and made love for the first time, BOOM, orgasm! So I guess my reproductive area really did get activated…. 

Wishing you all an abundance of orgasms. 

Much love, 

K xo 

The Feminine Way

Feminine WayKnowing the importance of female friendships and craving connection with other women I registered for a five day femininity workshop. I attended one last year and even though this one was completely revamped I just thought it would be a good opportunity to meet other women and not really push any of my buttons.

Was I ever wrong.

The first four days were for the first four chakras; day one was for your Muladhara (root) chakra, day two was for Svadhisthana (sacral) chakra, day three was for Manipura (solar plexus) chakra, day four was for Anahata (heart) chakra and the fifth day we focused mostly on Vishuddha (throat) chakra as well as Ajna (third eye) and Sahasrara (crown) chakra.

On the first day we were given a lecture around getting iinto and connecting with our body. After dancing around to heavy tribal drumming we were given an exercise.

We were asked to get into groups of four women and one by one undress in front of each other. Our directions were to take turns getting undressed down to our underwear and then stand in front of the other three women and tell them what we don’t like about her bodies. Once we were done we were to continue standing naked in front of the group as the other three women would then tell us what they liked about our body and we were to just stand there, not saying anything and receive the compliments.

My heart was so nervous about participating in this activity and being naked in a room with 40 other women.

As my group got together two brave women went before me and I was so surprised to hear what they didn’t like about their bodies as I thought they were beautiful.

Then it came to be my turn, I was definitely feeling the fear. I first removed my skirt, followed by my shirt to which I then explained my birthmark that covers my entire left arm, once my shirt was off I removed my bra. There I was with only my underwear on standing before three other woman as they gazed over my body, all while forty other women were doing the same thing.

I proceeded to tell them what I didn’t like about my body: the birthmark that covers my entire left arm, my stomach, it’s too fat and wide and my thighs and hips. Once I was done it was their turn to tell me what they liked about my body and I wasn’t allowed to speak. They proceeded to tell me that they loved the shape of my body, how they liked my womanly curves, they also commented on my features and they acknowledged that my birthmark was there but they didn’t see it with my same eyes as me, it wasn’t as loaded with shame and disgust as it is with me. I felt accepted and received by these women.

Once we were all done the entire group all sat in a circle, all forty women naked looking at each other and revering each others bodies.

Safe to say connections were built. We were all so loving, supportive and complimentary towards each other. It felt so good to be loved by other women and my heart opened that much more.

To my new sisters, your love for the others and the courage for yourself will stay with me forever. We were all touched and changed by that workshop and I feel and know that we did something for women everywhere. Thank you for showing up, I love you all.

Much love,

K xo

Falling In To Place

Falling in to placeI’d thought dealing with uncertainty would get easier, but it doesn’t, not for me anyway. I am still flooded and overwhelmed with anxiety, getting pulled in by and wrapped up in my monkey mind.

I had a perfect plan all set out in regards to my next destination, or at least I thought I did.

My visa for my next destination came back with a different entry date than expected and there was no way to enter the country early or change the date.

I was completely frazzled. I immediately panicked wondering how I was going to work everything out, my Thai visa was set to expire and I became worried around finding a now extra short term contract to fit into my long term plans. I was spiralling, wondering how it was all going to work out and if I could afford to extend my vacation and delay working.

This is where it is good to have women in your life. My mother and a good friend lent me their ear and I found that talking it through seemed to relieve a bit of my stress. Although the plan wasn’t what I had in mind I (eventually) accepted the reality of it.

As I accepted and faced reality, things began to fall in to place. Extending the rental on my  bungalow in Thailand was easy, people were happy to move interview times, I noticed that some Canadian friends were visiting Bali around the same time I would need to do a visa run and this extension gave me time to do more tantra and yoga.

So although not ideal and with still facing uncertainty (ie. finding a new home and job) I began to see AGAIN that it’s all working out and even though it looks and feel chaotic it’s just the Universe reorganizing everything perfectly! Plus…Bali for a visa run, who can complain about that?

So It’s not perfect and there is still lots of uncertainty and trust is required but it is all falling into place.

Much love,

K xo

Free Love

free loveI was with a friend the other day and I let him know about my plans after Thailand (sorry, secret location to which you will soon find out).

Prior to letting him know my plans I said “you’re not going to be happy about this” and then I told him about what I was in the process of making happen. To which he replied “You are free. You can go anywhere and do anything you want to do and I will love you and always be here for you to come back to”

Wow. My heart was blown.

This is love.

I had to take a few days to let this soak in.

I then looked back at one of my favourite quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh which reads “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”.

That’s it! This is what I want, this is how I want to experience love and this is how I desire to love the people in my life. I always new this but until I experienced it and felt it from a friend I didn’t totally get it.

To be loved while feeling the freedom to follow what is calling me, to explore and seek all my burning desires all while knowing I have a soft place of unconditional love to fall upon that’s what, for me it’s all about. This is what I seek and this is how I want to love.

It will be a process to love without attachment. From my experience of being on the receiving end of it I think it would be worth all the bumps and ‘stuff’ that comes up throughout the process.

To free love!

Much love,

Kerri xo

When the Work Works

when the work works

As you may know from previous blog posts I have recently reunited with my birth father and with him comes his family.

Just two days after I arrived in Thailand my paternal grandmother and aunt flew from Canada to Thailand to meet me.

Leading up to this meeting I was quite busy with the move from Australia and had little time to find a house in Thailand, therefore not a lot of my attention had been given to our upcoming meeting.

As I drove to go meet my aunt and grandmother for the first time, I didn’t feel nervous at all, I felt calm and open to experiencing whatever it was I was going to experience. I arrived with my aunt waiting there to greet me. I said hello and I was embraced with a big hug. I continued to feel centred. I then walked with her to the room where my grandmother was, I knocked on the door and she seemed quite nervous but gave me a hug.

Our first meeting was a bit awkward. It’s not everyday that you have to navigate a situation like this. As the days went on we spent more and more time together and we all started to loosen up a bit.

One day while at lunch my aunt cut to the chase and wanted to discuss everything that transpired starting from 30 years ago. I relayed a bit of my experience but really didn’t feel the need or desire to delve in to it. My aunt and grandmother shared a bit of what they knew. One frustrating thing for me is that everyone seems to have a different story as to what happened once they found out my mother was pregnant.

What I really saw and took out of our visit is all the work I have done on this topic and on myself throughout the last 17 years. I have been having therapy sessions since I was 13, no joke. I was just sitting there observing the conversations that were happening and I felt no charge or emotion. I thought to myself “Fuck, have I ever done a lot of work”.

I saw how nothing, none of this was personal, it wasn’t personal 30 years ago and it isn’t personal now. I was and am just the catalyst for something to shift within their family dynamics and whatever that may be is none of my business.

There came a moment, after some discussion where my aunt said “so basically you were abandoned by our entire family” to which I responded “yes, that is correct”, with no triggers or overriding emotion. I had done so much healing around my fathers absence, so much so that it’s all been forgiven and I feel really ready to move forward.

My grandmother courageously said during our meeting “I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I think that one [abandoning me] was the biggest”. That acknowledge, I know was hard for her so I appreciated hearing it and I think the little girl within me appreciated it as well.

I often heard “I hope you are able to forgive” and the truth is, I had already forgiven them. The peace and neutrality I felt showed me that and I feel truly blessed to have felt and experienced forgiveness.

I feel free and ready for the next chapter without the weight and burden of my history.

Now ask yourself: Who do you need to forgive?

Much love,

Kerri xo