Partner Bonding

tumblr_static_holding-hands1Partner #1 and I had continued to do my ‘homework’ together and various rituals. With a lot of the partner required assignments being in the beginning of the program and now the ‘homework’ being more sporadic I asked him to meet up outside of my assignments and he was more than up to it.

Partner #1 is a bit hard to read, there is definitely a hard shell but he is one hell of a experienced tantric lover. He’s incredibly sensitive to energy, almost going into orgasm just at the sight of my pleasure, it’s definitely a sight to see.

As our meet ups became more frequent, conversations began to develop and expand. I would talk about my family and he would take about his. He once asked me a question “Who are your top three people in the community you want to sleep with but haven’t yet?” and I answered and then he shared his top three. I loved our conversations and that even though we were sleeping together we could discuss anything. I liked this and thought that when I enter in to a relationship these are the conversations I still want to be having with my partner.

As we continued to see each other a real friendship and bonding started to happen. I began to wonder about the boundaries he had with this girlfriend. He had previously asked me to keep things about us just between him and I and with a bond beginning between us it made me question how that worked within his relationship.

We continued to see each other, it continued to be fun and we even began to have tickle fights with each other. His hard shell was beginning to soften and it was beautiful to see him open up.

One day my friends and I were discussing the situation and a friend heard that partner #1 and his girlfriend had an agreement that whenever one of them was off the island that they were then ‘open’ in terms of their relationship. To me this made sense as I hadn’t seen her at all whilst I was back on Koh Phangan. Then a friend said “I think I saw her the other day”, which surprised me and caught me off guard. I responded with a “no, she isn’t on the island” which I didn’t know if that was 100% true.

I started to wonder what exactly the agreement was between them and if she was in fact on the island.

I didn’t know how to approach it, I’ve never been in this situation before and if I am being completely honest it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. I mean it’s awkward and the last thing I want is anymore drama in my life, but something about it was bugging me…

Now you have the back story… stay tuned for what happens next.

Much love,

K xo

Oral Sex & An Open Heart

anahata-womanAs the course progressed it came time to participate in a tantric ritual called Yoni Mudra, an oral sex ritual.

I asked partner number #1 if he wanted to do this ritual with me and he agreed.

This ritual entails activating each other chakras using your mouth and tongue. We first started at Muladhara, the root chakra which is located at the perineum (the space between the genitals and anus). Yup, seriously we started there. So no foreplay or anything, I gave to partner #1 first and dove right in to licking his perineum with no real lead up.

I then moved on to Svadistana, the second chakra located two finger breadths above the base of the penis (and above the clitoris for women). I licked and kissed that area without paying any attention to his actual penis, which was probably torture for the poor guy.

Next was manipura, the navel chakra located just below the belly button. I spent a good 3 minutes licking and kissing his stomach. One would think that this may be a bit weird but once I got going it was fine. Following that was Anahata, the heart chakra where I kissed, touched and gently licked this chest, in the area between his nipples. Each chakra has its own characteristics and resonance and for this chakra things slowed down and it was very soft and loving.

I then moved on to Vishuddha, the throat chakra, then to the third eye (Ajna) where I basically made out with his forehead and then finally I moved on to the crown where I spent 5 minutes kissing and licking the top of his head.

Once that was over I then did the same thing to him again but up the backside of his body. When the was over it was then my turn where he did the exact same thing to me and yes he started at and went straight to licking my perineum.

After this was all done we performed oral sex on each other to activate the sexual energy even more. With my chakras all opened and activated I could feel all my sexual energy rise so easily.

Because it is an oral sex ritual, partner #1 and I couldn’t have sex, which was so difficult, I mean I was itching for it. I told him how challenging it was for us not to be able to have sex and he said “Kissing you is like having sex”. [Insert sweet aww sound]

Once the ritual was complete I felt so light and my heart felt so opened, I was amazed at how open my heart felt. I asked myself “Is this how my heart is supposed to feel?”. This lasted for a few days and it felt as though something divine had lifted and awakened my heart and I was in a state of love and bliss.

I took sometime to ponder why licking each others genitals would activate and open my heart. I then realized and understood that during these rituals we were really calling upon something Divine to be with us and with grace flowing through the ritual, magical things can and do happen. Although my heart was opened I can’t help but know that this ritual and the grace that was over flowing affected me in other ways that I may never know.

To know and experience grace gave me an even deeper devotion to the Divine and I felt so blessed.

Wishing that Divine Grace flows over you now and always.

Much love,

K xo

Chakra Sex

divinetantriclovemaking5Week one of my program had me have sex on six of the seven chakras.

The first two chakras with partner #2 was a complete disaster, as I shared earlier but I did get a second chance.

Partner #3 AKA Walter was available in the evenings and we had incredible love-making topped of with an amazing orgasm! Walter and I cared for each other and I could feel my attraction and connection with him deepen.

Then Walter and I had Manipura sex, which is the third chakra. This type of sex is very much like BDSM, dominant and submissive, it’s hot, lots of biting, but in a more sophisticated way. So, sex with Walter was great and I left feeling very fiery!

Day number four was Anahata, the heart chakra day. This was a day I was looking forward to as I had and have a lot of nervousness and resistance around making love on this chakra. This type of love-making is intimate, focused on slow, soft movements. For me this type of sex asks for me to be more vulnerable, which, like with everyone terrifies me.

Partner #1 was away from the island for a few days so Walter and I agreed to meet at a certain time and I was really excited to do this with him. That afternoon I received a message from him saying he wasn’t feeling well and that we couldn’t meet. I was devastated.

My own heart was something that I need to work on opening up and felt this was a great opportunity both physically and energetically to do that. I felt like karma got me.

I was feeling sad and hopeless, that this represented something bigger, my own barrier to love and my inability to move through it.

Day number five had me move on to Vishuddha, the throat chakra. To truly have sex on this chakra is like Gods and Goddesses having sex, I didn’t do this but my partner and I just moved our energy up to the throat area. My partner for this round was partner #2, he had returned and it was very lovely.

Day number six was Ajna day, the third eye. Again, true sex on this level is super human so for this round we were to just bring up our sexual energy to this level. This was another chakra that I really need to work on, the mental command centre as its called. My mind is a busy place and the more I can hone it in the better. Partner #2 couldn’t make this day work so I was relying on Walter. Again a text message came through saying something came up and we couldn’t meet.

Again, I was devastated. The two chakras I needed to ignite and work on most are the two where I just couldn’t make it happen.

Tears were falling down my face as the feeling of hopelessness fell over me again.

I shared my feelings and disappointments with the others in my program and got some beautiful support.

It was so interesting to see what manifested around these tasks, how “coincidentally” I somehow didn’t get to have an experience on the two areas which need the most work and therefore have the biggest opportunity for a shift to occur.

Now it’s time to crank up the awareness and really try to burn through this karma. It’s time for my heart to be open and for my mind to be precise.

I’m praying for God’s grace on this one.

Much Love, K xo

Safe Choices

mediocrity

As my 6 week tantra intensive began I had all my partners lined up, I even got a 3rd partner to do some of the rituals with.

Partner #3, lets call him Walter is near and dear to my heart but with him having another partner in the same program as me (I know, slightly awkward) and a busy schedule we were going to have to find other times to do my tantra ‘assignments’.

As the first week began we were going to do a journey through the chakras, which included sex on each of the chakras. Chakras are energies centres located at different points within our body and they are also levels of consciousness, emotional and mental states.

So day number one I was to have sex on Muladhara, the root chakra. This is the cave man, survival level of consciousness therefore sex on this chakra is animalistic, pounding, biting, as if either of you can not get enough of each other.

We were given an assigned time so everyone ‘s love making was synchronized. With partner number #1 unavailable, I asked partner #2 to come over and he agreed. This would be the first time we were going to have sex with each other, I know not an ideal situation.

Partner #2 came over and we started kissing, he expressed his nervousness and I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure (even though there was). In class, prior to him and I meeting the theme was Muladhara (I LOVE this type of sex) and we were even sharing sexual fantasies, so at this point I was raring to go!

As we continued to kissing and undressing each other he said that this usually isn’t his preferred  way a love making. I was getting frustrated, I mean I was so horny and he was having major performance anxiety. Because things weren’t going to plan and to be honest the chemistry wasn’t really there we decided to stop.

This didn’t exactly go to plan for either of us but we tried again the next day.

Day two was svadistana day. This level is all about pleasure, sensuality, wet, undulating movements and kisses. So partner #2 and I tried again, we had a bit of success at some point then we lost it. So we stopped to talk and he shared with me his struggle to ‘perform on command’ and we talked about our lack of sexual chemistry. We had to be honest with each other, it was disaster.

So after that partner #2 was no more.

When I had a moment to really observe and witness everything that happened I big pattern started to emerge. My safe choices always come back to bite me. Partner #2 is a good man, don’t get me wrong but for me he was a safe choice and we both ended up being let down in the process. I saw this in my life as well, always feeling that I needed to settle, that certain things and relationships were ‘good enough’ but they always left me unfulfilled and I ended up hurting people in the process.

This was a big revelation for me and I made a commitment to myself that I wasn’t going to settle for safe choices, especially with men any more. Even making this statement only to myself was scary and my mind started going off saying things like ‘Who are you going to find?” and “Well I guess you just be single forever then”.

Although my mind was having a field day I knew it was time to make this choice and go after things, opportunities and relationships that I really really really desire.

So the commitment was and is made. Lets wait and see what life brings me now…

Much love,

K xo

Another New Beginning

a-new-startWith my short visit to London coming to a close I began to get ready for my next journey, a deep initiation into Tantra.

I was off to the island that I love to complete an intensive 6 week program delving into only God knows what and getting an opportunity to delve even deeper into the spiritual path that has stolen my heart, Tantra.

When I first became aware of this course, I immediately knew I had to do it and the fact that it would end on my 31st birthday was, to me an even bigger sign. It was a big risk going back so soon as my funds were getting low and I was giving up some great job opportunities in London, but in true Kerri fashion I knew I had to go so I went!

This program required me to have a partner to do certain tantric rituals with and since I was single I was on the hunt for a partner. I approached one senior tantric practitioner before I left for Thailand and he said yes, the only thing was is that he wanted to keep things private as gossip tends to spread around this community quite easily and so I agreed. I then thought it may be a good idea to have another partner as me expecting man #1 to be available whenever I needed him wasn’t very realistic. There wasn’t anyone that I was especially attracted to but I did think of one man whom attended a tantra workshop with me and when I approached him he wasn’t overly excited on being one of two partners (which sort of made me roll my eyes) but he agreed.

So I was off to Thailand with two partners all set to go for my Tantra program. It felt as though my plans were coming , or so I thought.

After a tube ride, a long flight wait, 2 planes, one taxi, another plane, a bus ride, a 3 hour ferry and then finally a scooter taxi with my 25 lb suit case on it I arrived to my bungalow on Koh Phangan where I spent the next 3 days being more jet lagged than I ever had been before.

As I approached the start of my program I saw a notice on Facebook. Now before I share what I saw the program I was about to go into was a pre requisite for the Tantra Teacher Training course I was planning to take next year. So as I was strolling through Facebook a notice came up from the school I was taking this program from that said that the tantra teacher training was happening this year and not again for another 3 years!

I was devastated, the news sent me into a panic as my plan for the next 2 years had been completely turned upside down. So I did what I always do, I called my mom and had a session with my therapist.

After being talked off the ledge I saw that my plan to become a tantra teacher had been accelerated and that God’s plan was for it to happen sooner rather than later.

So within just a couple of days of arriving to Thailand my trip had been extended and I was going to be leaving as a tantra teacher. Another reminder not to make too many plans for my life as life has a plan of her own and even though I don’t understand it or have the money for it I am choosing to go with life’s flow.

So let’s see what wild ride she is going to take me on…

Much love,

K xo

I Have it Together?

just-keep-goingI’ve gotten emails lately of saying how I am ‘rocking life’ and ‘have it all together’. To which my response is, are you kidding me?

 
I pondered over this thinking to myself ‘wow, things must look different to what they actually are’.

Then I looked a bit further.

Yes, my life is messy and yes it looks better on Facebook than it does in real life. No one sees my daily life, worries, emotions, plans and bank account. I am overwhelmed on a daily basis wondering how the hell I am going to do the things I want to do and the self-doubt that comes with all of that.

These comments had me look back and reflect, and once I did that I saw all the great things I have been able to do. I mean, I travelled all around Asia, worked in Australia, studied and found my path of Tantra in Thailand and I am now in Europe getting to explore different countries on the weekends.

So yes, I am very fortunate and very grateful but my journey has been messy and it still is and doesn’t look as though it is going to be smooth sailing ahead either and that’s ok. I am slowly learning to embrace and ride the waves and as things do work out (eventually) I keep being reminded that I am ok and I will always be ok.

I still wouldn’t say I have it together, not at all, but I am happy with the decisions I have made in my life and where I am now.

From my messy journey to yours.

Much love,

K xo

Blessed

*temp*As I arrived in London my worries and anxiety began to ramp up as they usually do, never mind the fact I had only been in the country for 72 hours. Although I know these feeling are and were unreasonable, I was still taken over by them.

While staying in my AirBnB I was frantically emailing and calling agencies to set up interviews and looking online for house shares. With the clock ticking I started interviewing right away, calling house shares and taking in the sights in between.

In these times of new change and (unreasonable) panic the quantities of my prayers increase substantially. So, I prayed and meditated to bring myself back to my centre.

All while reassuring myself, I kept attending interviews, praying and intending that I would find the perfect role that would take me up until my time in Thailand, just a few weeks away. And guess what… it came.

I got a role for 6 weeks and found a house share to live in (with people who aren’t crazy, yay!).

So I was all set, I had the place to live and the job and I was all set to go back to Thailand in just a few weeks (details coming soon!)

And as I always do I wondered why it wasn’t so easy to relax in the moment of uncertainty when in the end it was so easy and I had nothing to worry about… I guess that is where the work is.

So I’ve settled in to London in the time being and reminded (again!) how much I am provided for.

Much Love,

K xo