Safe Choices

mediocrity

As my 6 week tantra intensive began I had all my partners lined up, I even got a 3rd partner to do some of the rituals with.

Partner #3, lets call him Walter is near and dear to my heart but with him having another partner in the same program as me (I know, slightly awkward) and a busy schedule we were going to have to find other times to do my tantra ‘assignments’.

As the first week began we were going to do a journey through the chakras, which included sex on each of the chakras. Chakras are energies centres located at different points within our body and they are also levels of consciousness, emotional and mental states.

So day number one I was to have sex on Muladhara, the root chakra. This is the cave man, survival level of consciousness therefore sex on this chakra is animalistic, pounding, biting, as if either of you can not get enough of each other.

We were given an assigned time so everyone ‘s love making was synchronized. With partner number #1 unavailable, I asked partner #2 to come over and he agreed. This would be the first time we were going to have sex with each other, I know not an ideal situation.

Partner #2 came over and we started kissing, he expressed his nervousness and I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure (even though there was). In class, prior to him and I meeting the theme was Muladhara (I LOVE this type of sex) and we were even sharing sexual fantasies, so at this point I was raring to go!

As we continued to kissing and undressing each other he said that this usually isn’t his preferred  way a love making. I was getting frustrated, I mean I was so horny and he was having major performance anxiety. Because things weren’t going to plan and to be honest the chemistry wasn’t really there we decided to stop.

This didn’t exactly go to plan for either of us but we tried again the next day.

Day two was svadistana day. This level is all about pleasure, sensuality, wet, undulating movements and kisses. So partner #2 and I tried again, we had a bit of success at some point then we lost it. So we stopped to talk and he shared with me his struggle to ‘perform on command’ and we talked about our lack of sexual chemistry. We had to be honest with each other, it was disaster.

So after that partner #2 was no more.

When I had a moment to really observe and witness everything that happened I big pattern started to emerge. My safe choices always come back to bite me. Partner #2 is a good man, don’t get me wrong but for me he was a safe choice and we both ended up being let down in the process. I saw this in my life as well, always feeling that I needed to settle, that certain things and relationships were ‘good enough’ but they always left me unfulfilled and I ended up hurting people in the process.

This was a big revelation for me and I made a commitment to myself that I wasn’t going to settle for safe choices, especially with men any more. Even making this statement only to myself was scary and my mind started going off saying things like ‘Who are you going to find?” and “Well I guess you just be single forever then”.

Although my mind was having a field day I knew it was time to make this choice and go after things, opportunities and relationships that I really really really desire.

So the commitment was and is made. Lets wait and see what life brings me now…

Much love,

K xo

Another New Beginning

a-new-startWith my short visit to London coming to a close I began to get ready for my next journey, a deep initiation into Tantra.

I was off to the island that I love to complete an intensive 6 week program delving into only God knows what and getting an opportunity to delve even deeper into the spiritual path that has stolen my heart, Tantra.

When I first became aware of this course, I immediately knew I had to do it and the fact that it would end on my 31st birthday was, to me an even bigger sign. It was a big risk going back so soon as my funds were getting low and I was giving up some great job opportunities in London, but in true Kerri fashion I knew I had to go so I went!

This program required me to have a partner to do certain tantric rituals with and since I was single I was on the hunt for a partner. I approached one senior tantric practitioner before I left for Thailand and he said yes, the only thing was is that he wanted to keep things private as gossip tends to spread around this community quite easily and so I agreed. I then thought it may be a good idea to have another partner as me expecting man #1 to be available whenever I needed him wasn’t very realistic. There wasn’t anyone that I was especially attracted to but I did think of one man whom attended a tantra workshop with me and when I approached him he wasn’t overly excited on being one of two partners (which sort of made me roll my eyes) but he agreed.

So I was off to Thailand with two partners all set to go for my Tantra program. It felt as though my plans were coming , or so I thought.

After a tube ride, a long flight wait, 2 planes, one taxi, another plane, a bus ride, a 3 hour ferry and then finally a scooter taxi with my 25 lb suit case on it I arrived to my bungalow on Koh Phangan where I spent the next 3 days being more jet lagged than I ever had been before.

As I approached the start of my program I saw a notice on Facebook. Now before I share what I saw the program I was about to go into was a pre requisite for the Tantra Teacher Training course I was planning to take next year. So as I was strolling through Facebook a notice came up from the school I was taking this program from that said that the tantra teacher training was happening this year and not again for another 3 years!

I was devastated, the news sent me into a panic as my plan for the next 2 years had been completely turned upside down. So I did what I always do, I called my mom and had a session with my therapist.

After being talked off the ledge I saw that my plan to become a tantra teacher had been accelerated and that God’s plan was for it to happen sooner rather than later.

So within just a couple of days of arriving to Thailand my trip had been extended and I was going to be leaving as a tantra teacher. Another reminder not to make too many plans for my life as life has a plan of her own and even though I don’t understand it or have the money for it I am choosing to go with life’s flow.

So let’s see what wild ride she is going to take me on…

Much love,

K xo

I Have it Together?

just-keep-goingI’ve gotten emails lately of saying how I am ‘rocking life’ and ‘have it all together’. To which my response is, are you kidding me?

 
I pondered over this thinking to myself ‘wow, things must look different to what they actually are’.

Then I looked a bit further.

Yes, my life is messy and yes it looks better on Facebook than it does in real life. No one sees my daily life, worries, emotions, plans and bank account. I am overwhelmed on a daily basis wondering how the hell I am going to do the things I want to do and the self-doubt that comes with all of that.

These comments had me look back and reflect, and once I did that I saw all the great things I have been able to do. I mean, I travelled all around Asia, worked in Australia, studied and found my path of Tantra in Thailand and I am now in Europe getting to explore different countries on the weekends.

So yes, I am very fortunate and very grateful but my journey has been messy and it still is and doesn’t look as though it is going to be smooth sailing ahead either and that’s ok. I am slowly learning to embrace and ride the waves and as things do work out (eventually) I keep being reminded that I am ok and I will always be ok.

I still wouldn’t say I have it together, not at all, but I am happy with the decisions I have made in my life and where I am now.

From my messy journey to yours.

Much love,

K xo

Blessed

*temp*As I arrived in London my worries and anxiety began to ramp up as they usually do, never mind the fact I had only been in the country for 72 hours. Although I know these feeling are and were unreasonable, I was still taken over by them.

While staying in my AirBnB I was frantically emailing and calling agencies to set up interviews and looking online for house shares. With the clock ticking I started interviewing right away, calling house shares and taking in the sights in between.

In these times of new change and (unreasonable) panic the quantities of my prayers increase substantially. So, I prayed and meditated to bring myself back to my centre.

All while reassuring myself, I kept attending interviews, praying and intending that I would find the perfect role that would take me up until my time in Thailand, just a few weeks away. And guess what… it came.

I got a role for 6 weeks and found a house share to live in (with people who aren’t crazy, yay!).

So I was all set, I had the place to live and the job and I was all set to go back to Thailand in just a few weeks (details coming soon!)

And as I always do I wondered why it wasn’t so easy to relax in the moment of uncertainty when in the end it was so easy and I had nothing to worry about… I guess that is where the work is.

So I’ve settled in to London in the time being and reminded (again!) how much I am provided for.

Much Love,

K xo

London’s Calling

Union-jackAs I was getting ready to leave Australia many of my co-workers were sharing that they had previously visited and worked in London. One day, one of my co-workers mentioned how you could still apply for a working holiday visa at the age of 30, which I am.

The seed was planted.

The idea began to grow and I couldn’t shake it. So before I left Australia the application was lodged and while in Bangkok I finished the application and was quickly approved.

So with a 2-year UK visa in hand I began to plan out the next two years of my life, which looks like a lot of back and forth from the UK to Thailand until my visa expires. Although with so much uncertainty in my life, I liked having a plan set out. Although nothing is guaranteed, I secretly missed the thrill of not knowing what was around the corner.

Never the less, my plan was set and I arrived in London at the beginning of February, starting from scratch in a new city and not knowing anyone. Even though this wasn’t the first time I had done this, the fear was still there and the negative talk and self-doubt still ran rampant.

But in true Kerri fashion I did it anyway.

So I have created a plan for the next two years… let’s see what pans out.

Much Love,

K xo

Is this working?

Butterfly-Detail

I was back in my tantric community, my favourite place in the world immersed in yoga and tantra workshops. 

As I attended tantra lectures and participated in exercises I began to be confronted with even more of my ‘stuff’, such as insecurities, judgements and criticism of myself and others. 

I was frustrated. I mean I kept bumping up against shit all the time, seeing my blockages, resistance and limitations and feeling feelings that frustrated me. 

I was feeling a bit hopeless to be quite honest. 

As a friend and I were having lunch I was sharing my feelings and experiences with him. We first met each other last year so he had met me when I first arrived at this yoga school. As I shared with him my feelings of not getting anywhere and not making any progress in my personal evolution he said to me “You’re changing, I can see”. 

A breathed a sigh of relief and gratitude of my friends observation. 

This comment had me reflect on where I was prior to heading out on my travels and leaving Canada and yes, of course, there has been transformation. 

Realizing my growth made me feel better on what more there is to discover, unravel and release within myself. 

As I look forward to where I desire to be, I mean that has even changed. I now desire an unconventional life of entrepreneurship, open relationships and living on a tropical island. Safe to say things have changed. 

So although the road of transformation and evolvement may feel long, strenuous and always continuous it’s worth it and truly I never could nor would I want to go back. I am grateful for where I am, the progress I have made and the direction I am headed. 

Yours in evolution and much love, 

K xo 

Purification & Release

emotional-release-glastonbury-1With my stay in Thailand extended (poor me, right?) I made a short visit to Bali to see my friend, mentor and therapist as well as some Canadian friends I had not seen for a while. 

I arrived and made plans to visit with friends but also to visit some sacred sites and Balinese healers. 

First on my list was a Balinese High Priestess who gives powerful water purifications. My friends and I went together and I approached the High Priestess for my water purification along with a friend. The High Priestess began changing and pouring water over our heads, asking us to stomp our feet and make noise to help us experience a release. At one point the High Priestess said to me “Cry, let it out cry” as if she knew there was something ready to be released. Then my friend next to me gently tapped my lower back (emotionally your lower back is associated with finances and emotional support) and I instantly began to cry as the High Priestess continued to pour water over me. A big release for sure. 

The next day I was off to one of my favourite Balinese healers; this was my fourth visit and as usual I was so excited to see him. I sat in front of him and he began to hit certain pressure points on my head and identify what was off for me. I then laid down as he hit certain points on the toes of my left foot. There were points so painful I thought I would levitate off the ground. His conclusion, I had a past trauma that is still leading to anxiety, stress and worry. He also said that something in my reproductive area was off. So he went to work standing over me, doing energy work, and making patterns with his wand over my body. Once he was finished he told me that the residue of my trauma was now gone and that my ovaries were now active again. 

I left feeling so grateful and blessed to be in his presence. 

Later on that same day I had a therapy session and during the session I could feel the purification set in, my throat began to hurt and I started to get quite warm. 

In the evening I visited a holy site that has fountains for every chakra of your body, as well as for love, abundance, your ancestral line, the masculine and feminine in your own being and so on. I felt like absolute heaven being in the water and I didn’t want to leave. Another purification had occurred. 

I left back to Thailand feeling grateful and knowing some things had shifted and been released for me. 

Interestingly enough, prior to my trip to Bali I was having difficulty having orgasms during sex, I mean they just weren’t happening. When I returned to Thailand and made love for the first time, BOOM, orgasm! So I guess my reproductive area really did get activated…. 

Wishing you all an abundance of orgasms. 

Much love, 

K xo 

The Feminine Way

Feminine WayKnowing the importance of female friendships and craving connection with other women I registered for a five day femininity workshop. I attended one last year and even though this one was completely revamped I just thought it would be a good opportunity to meet other women and not really push any of my buttons.

Was I ever wrong.

The first four days were for the first four chakras; day one was for your Muladhara (root) chakra, day two was for Svadhisthana (sacral) chakra, day three was for Manipura (solar plexus) chakra, day four was for Anahata (heart) chakra and the fifth day we focused mostly on Vishuddha (throat) chakra as well as Ajna (third eye) and Sahasrara (crown) chakra.

On the first day we were given a lecture around getting iinto and connecting with our body. After dancing around to heavy tribal drumming we were given an exercise.

We were asked to get into groups of four women and one by one undress in front of each other. Our directions were to take turns getting undressed down to our underwear and then stand in front of the other three women and tell them what we don’t like about her bodies. Once we were done we were to continue standing naked in front of the group as the other three women would then tell us what they liked about our body and we were to just stand there, not saying anything and receive the compliments.

My heart was so nervous about participating in this activity and being naked in a room with 40 other women.

As my group got together two brave women went before me and I was so surprised to hear what they didn’t like about their bodies as I thought they were beautiful.

Then it came to be my turn, I was definitely feeling the fear. I first removed my skirt, followed by my shirt to which I then explained my birthmark that covers my entire left arm, once my shirt was off I removed my bra. There I was with only my underwear on standing before three other woman as they gazed over my body, all while forty other women were doing the same thing.

I proceeded to tell them what I didn’t like about my body: the birthmark that covers my entire left arm, my stomach, it’s too fat and wide and my thighs and hips. Once I was done it was their turn to tell me what they liked about my body and I wasn’t allowed to speak. They proceeded to tell me that they loved the shape of my body, how they liked my womanly curves, they also commented on my features and they acknowledged that my birthmark was there but they didn’t see it with my same eyes as me, it wasn’t as loaded with shame and disgust as it is with me. I felt accepted and received by these women.

Once we were all done the entire group all sat in a circle, all forty women naked looking at each other and revering each others bodies.

Safe to say connections were built. We were all so loving, supportive and complimentary towards each other. It felt so good to be loved by other women and my heart opened that much more.

To my new sisters, your love for the others and the courage for yourself will stay with me forever. We were all touched and changed by that workshop and I feel and know that we did something for women everywhere. Thank you for showing up, I love you all.

Much love,

K xo

Falling In To Place

Falling in to placeI’d thought dealing with uncertainty would get easier, but it doesn’t, not for me anyway. I am still flooded and overwhelmed with anxiety, getting pulled in by and wrapped up in my monkey mind.

I had a perfect plan all set out in regards to my next destination, or at least I thought I did.

My visa for my next destination came back with a different entry date than expected and there was no way to enter the country early or change the date.

I was completely frazzled. I immediately panicked wondering how I was going to work everything out, my Thai visa was set to expire and I became worried around finding a now extra short term contract to fit into my long term plans. I was spiralling, wondering how it was all going to work out and if I could afford to extend my vacation and delay working.

This is where it is good to have women in your life. My mother and a good friend lent me their ear and I found that talking it through seemed to relieve a bit of my stress. Although the plan wasn’t what I had in mind I (eventually) accepted the reality of it.

As I accepted and faced reality, things began to fall in to place. Extending the rental on my  bungalow in Thailand was easy, people were happy to move interview times, I noticed that some Canadian friends were visiting Bali around the same time I would need to do a visa run and this extension gave me time to do more tantra and yoga.

So although not ideal and with still facing uncertainty (ie. finding a new home and job) I began to see AGAIN that it’s all working out and even though it looks and feel chaotic it’s just the Universe reorganizing everything perfectly! Plus…Bali for a visa run, who can complain about that?

So It’s not perfect and there is still lots of uncertainty and trust is required but it is all falling into place.

Much love,

K xo

Free Love

free loveI was with a friend the other day and I let him know about my plans after Thailand (sorry, secret location to which you will soon find out).

Prior to letting him know my plans I said “you’re not going to be happy about this” and then I told him about what I was in the process of making happen. To which he replied “You are free. You can go anywhere and do anything you want to do and I will love you and always be here for you to come back to”

Wow. My heart was blown.

This is love.

I had to take a few days to let this soak in.

I then looked back at one of my favourite quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh which reads “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”.

That’s it! This is what I want, this is how I want to experience love and this is how I desire to love the people in my life. I always new this but until I experienced it and felt it from a friend I didn’t totally get it.

To be loved while feeling the freedom to follow what is calling me, to explore and seek all my burning desires all while knowing I have a soft place of unconditional love to fall upon that’s what, for me it’s all about. This is what I seek and this is how I want to love.

It will be a process to love without attachment. From my experience of being on the receiving end of it I think it would be worth all the bumps and ‘stuff’ that comes up throughout the process.

To free love!

Much love,

Kerri xo