With partner number one out of the picture and a ritual set for me to do, I was on the hunt for a new partner to have this experience with, AKA I was looking for someone to sleep with.
As my relationship with partner number one was ending was the exact same time we were supposed to do this ritual together which was both incredibly frustrating and triggering.
When it was uncertain whether things between partner number one and I were going to end, I asked him if he was still willing to do this ritual with me as I needed to know because it was coming up. He then responded with a “Well, we could do the ritual without having sex”, which hurt, he just sounded so flat and uninterested which left me feeling unwanted and was a real confidence killer.
I knew immediately that this possibility was a strong no for me. I am not going to do a lovemaking ritual with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.
So there I was, with the help of a friend on the hunt for a ritual partner. This whole searching thing brought up a lot of shame for me. There I was alone, without a partner thinking and searching for people who may want to have sex with me. It felt so desperate.
Both myself and a friend reached out to people, and with low season beginning, the candidate pool was looking pretty grim. There were a few men who were unable for various reasons and some suggestions had come my way but they didn’t feel right.
At one point, with the ritual day approaching I was at my friends place discussing the situation and I was in tears. I wanted to experience this ritual with someone but I didn’t want to compromise who I was doing it with. I didn’t want to go with someone I didn’t feel comfortable with or go back to partner number one and do the ritual without having sex. The whole circumstance felt so degrading.
I shared with my friend that I had settled my whole life, always taking ‘whatever I could get’ or what was ‘good enough’ and I wasn’t going to do it anymore. She said if worse comes to worse I could do the ritual another time, which was heartbreaking to hear as it was something I was passionate about experiencing.
While out for lunch one day I drove by a guy from the sex party – always a good place to increase the pool of available men. I had completely forgot about him! We had already been together at the party and so I asked a mutual friend to introduce us on Facebook. We then began to message each other and we met to discuss it and he was more than willing to be my partner and he was looking forward to the experience.
So there I was at the very last-minute with my new-found ritual partner. The experience was lovely and I felt so grateful to not only him but to myself as well.
It felt as though I did the right thing. I felt proud of myself for staying with my new commitment of and unwillingness to ‘take whatever I could get’. In this situation it really paid off and taught me a big lesson.
No more taking the crumbs or left overs, I want the full and delicious meal.
To those thinking that something is good enough, ask yourself: What would more look like?