He was well aware of the fact that I was going to the sex party and even got a preview of my ‘outfit’. A couple days after the party we met up again and he asked me how things went and I, very openly and honestly shared my experience with him. Then came the big question, the number of partners I was with. Which I told him.
As we continued to talk I could feel a coldness and some distance. I tried to get close to him but he was quite stand offish. I then asked what was wrong and he said that he wasn’t comfortable being with me because of my experience at the party.
I was shocked and quite taken a back.
He shared that he didn’t want to be exposed to that type of energy as it was possible that some of the men I was with weren’t yogis and therefore may be smokers, drinkers and/ or meat eaters. He then used the analogy that being with me after this party would be like him taking a shower and then going in to muddy water.
I didn’t know what to say. Still in shock I said ‘fine’ and he left.
Right away I knew this was a test. I felt so empowered after that party and that I really overcame some life long insecurities and now someone was criticizing me for it.
After a few days I sent him a message sharing what the party represented to me and how his comments made me feel. I also told him that I was no longer interested in being intimate with him anymore. He understood.
Soon after this I started to get information on his relationship with his girlfriend and the fact that they were and are in a monogamous relationship. I didn’t know what to do. Things were over between us but then I started to see her everywhere.
Then one day out of the blue partner #1 emailed me wanting to discuss things. I agreed and a few days later he came over.
He apologized for for the muddy water comment and tried to back pedal a bit. He said that what he meant by not wanting to be with me was perhaps just waiting a few days for the energy to dissipate. I reiterated what the party meant and represented to me and what he said wasn’t ok.
Then I approached the girlfriend topic. I told him that I had heard a few things to which he said that nothing had ever been formally discussed. He then gave this long winded explanation as to why it is ok for him to sleep with other women and after everything he has done for her why can’t he then be with another women whom he has more pleasure with?
To which my response was “You’re cheating on your girlfriend!”. I then went on to say that she has no idea any of this is going on, in fact she thinks he is monogamous and I don’t think that Ok and I won’t be any part of it.
He seemed upset, and a bit deflated after our conversation but he had to know that nothing more was going to happen between us.
I have to admit, this whole situation was a bit disappointing but none the less full of lessons.
I was reminded that when you get the nudge that something is off, that you should probably listen to what it is trying to tell you. I also experienced the importance of staying grounded in my truth, my knowing even when outside people or forces try to persuade you to see things differently.
What I learnt about myself was that I now feel a desire to have a relationship, to really go deep with someone. These couple years of travelling were all about me and the last thing I wanted was a relationship and now that has shifted.
So let’s see how this new desire manifests itself.