As my 6 week tantra intensive began I had all my partners lined up, I even got a 3rd partner to do some of the rituals with.
Partner #3, lets call him Walter is near and dear to my heart but with him having another partner in the same program as me (I know, slightly awkward) and a busy schedule we were going to have to find other times to do my tantra ‘assignments’.
As the first week began we were going to do a journey through the chakras, which included sex on each of the chakras. Chakras are energies centres located at different points within our body and they are also levels of consciousness, emotional and mental states.
So day number one I was to have sex on Muladhara, the root chakra. This is the cave man, survival level of consciousness therefore sex on this chakra is animalistic, pounding, biting, as if either of you can not get enough of each other.
We were given an assigned time so everyone ‘s love making was synchronized. With partner number #1 unavailable, I asked partner #2 to come over and he agreed. This would be the first time we were going to have sex with each other, I know not an ideal situation.
Partner #2 came over and we started kissing, he expressed his nervousness and I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure (even though there was). In class, prior to him and I meeting the theme was Muladhara (I LOVE this type of sex) and we were even sharing sexual fantasies, so at this point I was raring to go!
As we continued to kissing and undressing each other he said that this usually isn’t his preferred way a love making. I was getting frustrated, I mean I was so horny and he was having major performance anxiety. Because things weren’t going to plan and to be honest the chemistry wasn’t really there we decided to stop.
This didn’t exactly go to plan for either of us but we tried again the next day.
Day two was svadistana day. This level is all about pleasure, sensuality, wet, undulating movements and kisses. So partner #2 and I tried again, we had a bit of success at some point then we lost it. So we stopped to talk and he shared with me his struggle to ‘perform on command’ and we talked about our lack of sexual chemistry. We had to be honest with each other, it was disaster.
So after that partner #2 was no more.
When I had a moment to really observe and witness everything that happened I big pattern started to emerge. My safe choices always come back to bite me. Partner #2 is a good man, don’t get me wrong but for me he was a safe choice and we both ended up being let down in the process. I saw this in my life as well, always feeling that I needed to settle, that certain things and relationships were ‘good enough’ but they always left me unfulfilled and I ended up hurting people in the process.
This was a big revelation for me and I made a commitment to myself that I wasn’t going to settle for safe choices, especially with men any more. Even making this statement only to myself was scary and my mind started going off saying things like ‘Who are you going to find?” and “Well I guess you just be single forever then”.
Although my mind was having a field day I knew it was time to make this choice and go after things, opportunities and relationships that I really really really desire.
So the commitment was and is made. Lets wait and see what life brings me now…