As you may know from previous blog posts I have recently reunited with my birth father and with him comes his family.
Just two days after I arrived in Thailand my paternal grandmother and aunt flew from Canada to Thailand to meet me.
Leading up to this meeting I was quite busy with the move from Australia and had little time to find a house in Thailand, therefore not a lot of my attention had been given to our upcoming meeting.
As I drove to go meet my aunt and grandmother for the first time, I didn’t feel nervous at all, I felt calm and open to experiencing whatever it was I was going to experience. I arrived with my aunt waiting there to greet me. I said hello and I was embraced with a big hug. I continued to feel centred. I then walked with her to the room where my grandmother was, I knocked on the door and she seemed quite nervous but gave me a hug.
Our first meeting was a bit awkward. It’s not everyday that you have to navigate a situation like this. As the days went on we spent more and more time together and we all started to loosen up a bit.
One day while at lunch my aunt cut to the chase and wanted to discuss everything that transpired starting from 30 years ago. I relayed a bit of my experience but really didn’t feel the need or desire to delve in to it. My aunt and grandmother shared a bit of what they knew. One frustrating thing for me is that everyone seems to have a different story as to what happened once they found out my mother was pregnant.
What I really saw and took out of our visit is all the work I have done on this topic and on myself throughout the last 17 years. I have been having therapy sessions since I was 13, no joke. I was just sitting there observing the conversations that were happening and I felt no charge or emotion. I thought to myself “Fuck, have I ever done a lot of work”.
I saw how nothing, none of this was personal, it wasn’t personal 30 years ago and it isn’t personal now. I was and am just the catalyst for something to shift within their family dynamics and whatever that may be is none of my business.
There came a moment, after some discussion where my aunt said “so basically you were abandoned by our entire family” to which I responded “yes, that is correct”, with no triggers or overriding emotion. I had done so much healing around my fathers absence, so much so that it’s all been forgiven and I feel really ready to move forward.
My grandmother courageously said during our meeting “I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I think that one [abandoning me] was the biggest”. That acknowledge, I know was hard for her so I appreciated hearing it and I think the little girl within me appreciated it as well.
I often heard “I hope you are able to forgive” and the truth is, I had already forgiven them. The peace and neutrality I felt showed me that and I feel truly blessed to have felt and experienced forgiveness.
I feel free and ready for the next chapter without the weight and burden of my history.
Now ask yourself: Who do you need to forgive?