When the Work Works

when the work works

As you may know from previous blog posts I have recently reunited with my birth father and with him comes his family.

Just two days after I arrived in Thailand my paternal grandmother and aunt flew from Canada to Thailand to meet me.

Leading up to this meeting I was quite busy with the move from Australia and had little time to find a house in Thailand, therefore not a lot of my attention had been given to our upcoming meeting.

As I drove to go meet my aunt and grandmother for the first time, I didn’t feel nervous at all, I felt calm and open to experiencing whatever it was I was going to experience. I arrived with my aunt waiting there to greet me. I said hello and I was embraced with a big hug. I continued to feel centred. I then walked with her to the room where my grandmother was, I knocked on the door and she seemed quite nervous but gave me a hug.

Our first meeting was a bit awkward. It’s not everyday that you have to navigate a situation like this. As the days went on we spent more and more time together and we all started to loosen up a bit.

One day while at lunch my aunt cut to the chase and wanted to discuss everything that transpired starting from 30 years ago. I relayed a bit of my experience but really didn’t feel the need or desire to delve in to it. My aunt and grandmother shared a bit of what they knew. One frustrating thing for me is that everyone seems to have a different story as to what happened once they found out my mother was pregnant.

What I really saw and took out of our visit is all the work I have done on this topic and on myself throughout the last 17 years. I have been having therapy sessions since I was 13, no joke. I was just sitting there observing the conversations that were happening and I felt no charge or emotion. I thought to myself “Fuck, have I ever done a lot of work”.

I saw how nothing, none of this was personal, it wasn’t personal 30 years ago and it isn’t personal now. I was and am just the catalyst for something to shift within their family dynamics and whatever that may be is none of my business.

There came a moment, after some discussion where my aunt said “so basically you were abandoned by our entire family” to which I responded “yes, that is correct”, with no triggers or overriding emotion. I had done so much healing around my fathers absence, so much so that it’s all been forgiven and I feel really ready to move forward.

My grandmother courageously said during our meeting “I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I think that one [abandoning me] was the biggest”. That acknowledge, I know was hard for her so I appreciated hearing it and I think the little girl within me appreciated it as well.

I often heard “I hope you are able to forgive” and the truth is, I had already forgiven them. The peace and neutrality I felt showed me that and I feel truly blessed to have felt and experienced forgiveness.

I feel free and ready for the next chapter without the weight and burden of my history.

Now ask yourself: Who do you need to forgive?

Much love,

Kerri xo

One thought on “When the Work Works

  1. Your blog was sent to me from my good friend Ellen who is one of my painting buddies. I really enjoyed what you had to say about forgiveness and you are right on. What people do not realize is that the act of forgiveness is the salve and healing that it does for the forgiver more than the forgiven. It allows you and frees you up for moving on. 😊

    Like

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