Enough Compromising

With partner number one out of the picture and a ritual set for me to do, I was on the hunt for a new partner to have this experience with, AKA I was looking for someone to sleep with.

As my relationship with partner number one was ending was the exact same time we were supposed to do this ritual together which was both incredibly frustrating and triggering.

When it was uncertain whether things between partner number one and I were going to end, I asked him if he was still willing to do this ritual with me as I needed to know because it was coming up. He then responded with a “Well, we could do the ritual without having sex”, which hurt, he just sounded so flat and uninterested which left me feeling unwanted and was a real confidence killer.

I knew immediately that this possibility was a strong no for me. I am not going to do a lovemaking ritual with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.

So there I was, with the help of a friend on the hunt for a ritual partner. This whole searching thing brought up a lot of shame for me. There I was alone, without a partner thinking and searching for people who may want to have sex with me. It felt so desperate.

Both myself and a friend reached out to people, and with low season beginning, the candidate pool was looking pretty grim. There were a few men who were unable for various reasons and some suggestions had come my way but they didn’t feel right.

At one point, with the ritual day approaching I was at my friends place discussing the situation and I was in tears. I wanted to experience this ritual with someone but I didn’t want to compromise who I was doing it with. I didn’t want to go with someone I didn’t feel comfortable with or go back to partner number one and do the ritual without having sex. The whole circumstance felt so degrading.

I shared with my friend that I had settled my whole life, always taking ‘whatever I could get’ or what was ‘good enough’ and I wasn’t going to do it anymore. She said if worse comes to worse I could do the ritual another time, which was heartbreaking to hear as it was something I was passionate about experiencing.

While out for lunch one day I drove by a guy from the sex party – always a good place to increase the pool of available men. I had completely forgot about him! We had already been together at the party and so I asked a mutual friend to introduce us on Facebook. We then began to message each other and we met to discuss it and he was more than willing to be my partner and he was looking forward to the experience.

So there I was at the very last-minute with my new-found ritual partner. The experience was lovely and I felt so grateful to not only him but to myself as well.

It felt as though I did the right thing. I felt proud of myself for staying with my new commitment of and unwillingness to ‘take whatever I could get’. In this situation it really paid off and taught me a big lesson.

No more taking the crumbs or left overs, I want the full and delicious meal.

To those thinking that something is good enough, ask yourself: What would more look like?

Much love,

K xo

Shakti Time

I remember when I first returned to my tantric island; I had become very aware of my resistance to opening up, sharing and being affectionate with other women. I began to examine my female relationships and saw a pattern of holding back and staying superficial. This was clearly evident while I was married, never really discussing or confiding in other women, even though there were women there for me to lean on.

As my world turned upside, and I began some soul-searching; a true desire started to build to connect with other women in a real, raw and vulnerable way.

One of my intentions when I returned this time was to really build and forge bonds of real sisterhood with other women. And guess what? Ask and it is given!

I wasn’t alone in my sexual exploration and spiritual seeking, I had a few other brave and bold women by my side.

Being back on this island I began to really explore the depths of myself, my fears, patterns and inhibitions and I had a group of women there to witness and support me through it. I had made the choice and allowed myself to share these parts of me and to step through my inhibitions.

As I began to face and overcome my sexual inhibitions, the love and support I got from my sisters was just what I need to keep me going and to stay on track in overcoming these insecurities.

When I attended the sex party (remember that post?) I was incredibly nervous and all I heard were compliments and words of encouragement from them. The ‘You look amazing’ings kept my momentum up. Through this experience I really got how powerful it is when women support, love and encourage each other. I couldn’t have done it without them.

Within two months of my return, I had noticed a huge transformation within myself and in my relationships with women. I was sharing and expressing so much of myself and I became more at ease with the giving and receiving of affection. And to be honest, it felt so good! I felt so free to be myself and loved in the process. To be authentically yourself, with all your light and shadow aspects is a true healing and opening of the heart.

These relationships have been and are critical to my life and who I am now. Once I had these connections and this opening I noticed how all my other relationships began to shift. More and more intimate conversations were being had with other women in my life and we were able to truly connect at the heart.

I now know that deep and meaningful female connections are a must for me, I can no longer live without them. They feed my soul.

And when your friends so freely and casually see you make love with other people how can a deep and intimate bond not be created?

So to all the women in my life, thank you for your love and encouragement; to all the women reading this I hope that you have at least one female connection where you can really be authentic and loved all at the same time.

What can I say, women are a beautiful thing.

Much love to you and your sisters,

K xo

Group Sex for God

So my sexual energy was flowing which increased both my confidence and boldness. I wasn’t alone in this igniting of sexual freedom, I had a few beautiful side kicks that were my companions on this ride. 

As this progressed and our friendships deepend we had the great idea to do a group sex ritual. As ideas were shared we all agreed to have two men join the four of us – what lucky men, hey? 

We approached a man that a couple of us knew, he agreed, I mean, who wouldn’t? Then came the task to find the second man, last minute a man came to our rescue and joined in. 

The intention made by all of us was to consciously take all our sexual energy and bring it up to the level of the heart, our anahata chakras. 

As we arrived I was a bit nervous, I had been with one of the men before but not the other and of course my body issues came up and I decided there was no better way to confront this insecurity (again) then by facing it head on. 

So we all came together, made a consecration (which is an invocation and offering of whatever you are about embark on that it be for the Divine) and had a short meditation. Once that was done things started to heat up.  The environment we were in was quite magical. We were in a bungalow immerse in a Thai jungle and the room we were in had a large triangle (metaphysically, a powerful symbol) that came over the entire bed, which was adorned with crystals. Powerful stuff. 

The encounter felt quite divine. Usually these types of rituals never happen or things fall through etc but it was as though grace had arranged everything and brought us all together. 

So there I was in a love making ritual with three of my girlfriends and two tantric men. Everything flowed beautifully and it was incredible how free I felt, there I was making love to a man in front of four other people and there were my friends making love in front of me. There was no shame. No embarassment. Just freedom and love. All with a goal to reach unconditional love, to reach God. 

The ritual went on for a few hours. Things flowed beautifully as we all spent time with each other. As it ended we all meditated, focusing on bringing all this accumulated sexual energy up to the level of the heart. 

Then as things settled, one of the men and I had some nice one on one time out on the balcony… what can I say… there was chemistry 😉 

With this freedom growing around and within my sexuality I felt so light, it’s as though I was becoming less burdened by the shame of my sexuality and that allowed me to be more of my authentic self.  

This experiences had me reflect on the years where I buried my sexuality and sexual desire and how that was directly linked to me living a mediocre life. This awakening has not only come with some orgasms and pleasure but feelings of passion and joy and ultimately a life, that may be unconventional but one where I feel so alive. 

To all my readers, may you live a life that makes you feel alive and free. My only advice, and perhaps (If I may) ask that you never settle. Mediocrity is a killer.  

To a life of passion, joy, and hell… throw in some orgasms too. 

Much love, 

K xo

A Broken Bond

So partner #1 and I were developing quite a bond, as I shared previously.

He was well aware of the fact that I was going to the sex party and even got a preview of my ‘outfit’. A couple days after the party we met up again and he asked me how things went and I, very openly and honestly shared my experience with him. Then came the big question, the number of partners I was with. Which I told him.

As we continued to talk I could feel a coldness and some distance. I tried to get close to him but he was quite stand offish. I then asked what was wrong and he said that he wasn’t comfortable being with me because of my experience at the party.

I was shocked and quite taken a back.

He shared that he didn’t want to be exposed to that type of energy as it was possible that some of the men I was with weren’t yogis and therefore may be smokers, drinkers and/ or meat eaters. He then used the analogy that being with me after this party would be like him taking a shower and then going in to muddy water.

I didn’t know what to say. Still in shock I said ‘fine’ and he left.

Right away I knew this was a test. I felt so empowered after that party and that I really overcame some life long insecurities and now someone was criticizing me for it.

After a few days I sent him a message sharing what the party represented to me and how his comments made me feel. I also told him that I was no longer interested in being intimate with him anymore. He understood.

Soon after this I started to get information on his relationship with his girlfriend and the fact that they were and are in a monogamous relationship. I didn’t know what to do. Things were over between us but then I started to see her everywhere.

Then one day out of the blue partner #1 emailed me wanting to discuss things. I agreed and a few days later he came over.

He apologized for for the muddy water comment and tried to back pedal a bit. He said that what he meant by not wanting to be with me was perhaps just waiting a few days for the energy to dissipate. I reiterated what the party meant and represented to me and what he said wasn’t ok.

Then I approached the girlfriend topic. I told him that I had heard a few things to which he said that nothing had ever been formally discussed. He then gave this long winded explanation as to why it is ok for him to sleep with other women and after everything he has done for her why can’t he then be with another women whom he has more pleasure with?

To which my response was “You’re cheating on your girlfriend!”. I then went on to say that she has no idea any of this is going on, in fact she thinks he is monogamous and I don’t think that Ok and I won’t be any part of it.

He seemed upset, and a bit deflated after our conversation but he had to know that nothing more was going to happen between us.

I have to admit, this whole situation was a bit disappointing but none the less full of lessons.

I was reminded that when you get the nudge that something is off, that you should probably listen to what it is trying to tell you. I also experienced the importance of staying grounded in my truth, my knowing even when outside people or forces try to persuade you to see things differently.

What I learnt about myself was that I now feel a desire to have a relationship, to really go deep with someone. These couple years of travelling were all about me and the last thing I wanted was a relationship and now that has shifted.

So let’s see how this new desire manifests itself.

Much love,

K xo

Sex Party

In the middle of my tantra intensive, all while I am working on over coming inhibitions around my body and sexuality I, along with my friends received an invite to a sex party, which can also be called a play or swingers party.

I knew I had to go. The timing of this was just too perfect.

So myself, along with my three girlfriends signed up.

I was terrified. The first thing I thought about was how the hell I was going to walk around naked and so openly at a play party of 30 people.

I needed to over come and face this and I knew I was going to do it.

So I planned my initial outfit, knee high leggings, black skirt, black crop top and matching black lacy bra and underwear.

As my girlfriends and I arrived to the villa where the party was taking place and my heart began to race and at the same time I felt really ready.

The party organizers first expressed some rules, gave guidance around setting boundaries and expressed the importance of safe sex. We then began some fun games to get everyone warmed up, which included naughty truth and dare. At some point (and rather quickly) everyone was warmed up and the bedrooms began to quickly fill up.

I started off in a bedroom with a couple friends with many people around us. The sexual energy was palpable and it was everywhere.

As the night continued I was looking around this villa and seeing and watching sex and group sex occur everywhere. The bedrooms were full, the lounge chairs by the pool were being used and the living room and kitchen were incredibly busy.

There I was walking around in my underwear not hiding, explaining or justifying anything and having men approach me. I was surprised that no one even asked about the birthmark on my arm and that I was still being approached. Who knew a sex party could be so healing.

I relaxed more and more throughout the night, walking around, talking, flirting and making love.

As I began to get over my own inhibitions I really began to fall in love with the sexual freedom of the entire night. There was no shame. I mean, I was watching many people have sex and they were watching me. And let’s just say the friendship with the three girlfriends went to a whole new level. There was a naturalness about people being naked and having sex so openly and in front of others.

I loved it. I loved the feeling of not being contracted by my inhibitions and shame and being accepted in the process. The five orgasms that night also helped…

This was a very bold choice for me and something I never thought I would do and I am so happy and proud that I did it. And it really did facilitate and shift something in me because I felt expanded and elevated after I left that evening.

So a sex party may not be everyones answer for their evolution but it definitely contributed to mine.

Much love,

K xo

Tantra Essentials Workshop, London, UK

https://www.facebook.com/events/110719842743199/

Obtain a condensed introduction to basic concepts

Tantra Transform your lovemaking into a liberating spiritual experience

Learn skills to develop deeper, longer orgasms

In this highly condensed immersion into Tantra, students will learn why Tantra is a unique, “life-embracing” approach to spirituality and explore how sexuality can be part of a spiritual path.

This workshop gives students the basic information required to begin a Tantric practice, providing an overview of the major concepts, including: brahmacharya, sublimation, transfiguration, working with energy, and female orgasm. Pertinent information from Yoga, Taoism, Buddhism and modern science is included to reinforce the ageless and universal value of the Tantric teachings.

Taught by Agama Yoga Tantra Instructor Kerri Cust this experiential workshop has no explicit sexual presentations or nudity.

Cost: £140 for the entire weekend, £120 should you pay prior to 19 November.
Location: Holborn, London. Exact address will be given once payment has been received.

You can also pay and register through eventbrite:

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/tantra-essentials-workshop-tickets-29204315895?utm_term=eventurl_text

Please email: kcust@hotmail.ca to register and should you have any questions.

About your instructor, Kerri Cust:

After a year of two traumatic events I sold everything I owned and went to travel the world.

During my travels I landed on a tropical island. While studying yoga and tantra, I began to awaken my sexuality and found a power and potential in myself I didn’t know was there. By accessing this energy I was becoming unleashed, not only sexually, but in all areas of my life. I began to face my insecurities and heal the pain by embracing my sexuality, stepping into femininity and showing people the real me.

Tantra has completely transformed my life: I feel more connected and aligned than ever. My relationships are deepening, I’m opening up and friendships are so much more fulfilling. My life has more direction and focus (and the multiple orgasms don’t hurt either). I have now made the shift from mediocrity to living an orgasmic life, and I’m here to inspire others to do the same.

Come join me and get a taste of tantra, your orgasmic self awaits.

Looking forward to meeting you at the end of the month.

Much love, Kerri xo
kcust@hotmail.ca

https://www.facebook.com/events/110719842743199/

And Here We Go…

As my immersion I’m Tantra progressed I reached a point where I was to have a one on one session which was conducted in front of the other participants and it lasted for about three hours.

And lucky me, my sessions was the first.

The first question I was asked was “Kerri what do you like about yourself?”. I responded saying that I liked how courageous I was and am, that I’ve had the balls so-to-speak to really go after something more.

As the questioning continued the subject of my body came up. I was then asked to undress in front of everyone, which included eight other participants, three support staff and two teachers.

I got angry. I was asked how I was feeling as I was undressing and my immediate response was ‘degraded!’ and then I said that I hated both of my tantra teachers for asking me to do this. My inner child was having a tantrum.

There I was naked in front of everyone at the very beginning of a three hour therapy session.

From there I was asked to point out what I didn’t like about my body. I pointed out the extra weight I was/am carrying, my stomach, and the birthmark that covers my entire left arm.

The questions continued and I was surprised to see what subjects and people came up. We discussed my step father and his torment towards me as I was growing up and how that impacted me. With everything coming and things being asked of me, and remember all while being naked and then uttered that words “Ugly Animal” as I was asked to describe myself.

I don’t know where that came from.

Then it was time to express myself and these emotions I was feeling and so I stood there in front of everyone and screamed.

Then I stood in front of everyone and made eye contact with them all in my (literal) nakedness. As I got to one of the assistance and made eye contact with her I felt so acknowledged, seen and received that I burst in to tears and she ran up to hold me.

Receiving that level of nurture and comfort in that moment was exactly what I have been wanting and I felt that I really received it and took it all in.

The session then began to take a turn and I was asked to show how I would approach a man with the (very good looking) male assistant. Again, remember I am completely naked.

So I awkwardly began to approach him in front of everyone. I was so nervous. I then kissed him and things began to warm up.  We continued to kiss and then found myself with him on top of me, in front of everyone! One of my tantra teachers then invited the other participants to join in and of course my three girlfriends joined in. So there I was laying down receiving, kisses, affection and foreplay from my girlfriends and one very good looking man.

At one point I was laying there this gorgeous man going down on me and three beautiful women caressing, licking an kissing me everywhere, all while everyone else watched.

I don’t know about you but I have never had a therapy session quite like this. Seriously, what a way to overcome inhibitions around your body and sexuality.

As that came to an end, I felt like I had been through so much. It was a true roller coaster.

I remember ending the session saying “best therapy session ever”. I mean… a true personal transformation indeed.

And there I left feeling more open,  at ease with and in my body.

Wishing you all the transformation of you dreams and desires (and hopefully some oral sex to top it all off)

Much love,

K xo

Partner Bonding

Partner #1 and I had continued to do my ‘homework’ together and various rituals. With a lot of the partner required assignments being in the beginning of the program and now the ‘homework’ being more sporadic I asked him to meet up outside of my assignments and he was more than up to it.

Partner #1 is a bit hard to read, there is definitely a hard shell but he is one hell of a experienced tantric lover. He’s incredibly sensitive to energy, almost going into orgasm just at the sight of my pleasure, it’s definitely a sight to see.

As our meet ups became more frequent, conversations began to develop and expand. I would talk about my family and he would take about his. He once asked me a question “Who are your top three people in the community you want to sleep with but haven’t yet?” and I answered and then he shared his top three. I loved our conversations and that even though we were sleeping together we could discuss anything. I liked this and thought that when I enter in to a relationship these are the conversations I still want to be having with my partner.

As we continued to see each other a real friendship and bonding started to happen. I began to wonder about the boundaries he had with this girlfriend. He had previously asked me to keep things about us just between him and I and with a bond beginning between us it made me question how that worked within his relationship.

We continued to see each other, it continued to be fun and we even began to have tickle fights with each other. His hard shell was beginning to soften and it was beautiful to see him open up.

One day my friends and I were discussing the situation and a friend heard that partner #1 and his girlfriend had an agreement that whenever one of them was off the island that they were then ‘open’ in terms of their relationship. To me this made sense as I hadn’t seen her at all whilst I was back on Koh Phangan. Then a friend said “I think I saw her the other day”, which surprised me and caught me off guard. I responded with a “no, she isn’t on the island” which I didn’t know if that was 100% true.

I started to wonder what exactly the agreement was between them and if she was in fact on the island.

I didn’t know how to approach it, I’ve never been in this situation before and if I am being completely honest it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. I mean it’s awkward and the last thing I want is anymore drama in my life, but something about it was bugging me…

Now you have the back story… stay tuned for what happens next.

Much love,

K xo

Oral Sex & An Open Heart

As the course progressed it came time to participate in a tantric ritual called Yoni Mudra, an oral sex ritual.

I asked partner number #1 if he wanted to do this ritual with me and he agreed.

This ritual entails activating each other chakras using your mouth and tongue. We first started at Muladhara, the root chakra which is located at the perineum (the space between the genitals and anus). Yup, seriously we started there. So no foreplay or anything, I gave to partner #1 first and dove right in to licking his perineum with no real lead up.

I then moved on to Svadistana, the second chakra located two finger breadths above the base of the penis (and above the clitoris for women). I licked and kissed that area without paying any attention to his actual penis, which was probably torture for the poor guy.

Next was manipura, the navel chakra located just below the belly button. I spent a good 3 minutes licking and kissing his stomach. One would think that this may be a bit weird but once I got going it was fine. Following that was Anahata, the heart chakra where I kissed, touched and gently licked this chest, in the area between his nipples. Each chakra has its own characteristics and resonance and for this chakra things slowed down and it was very soft and loving.

I then moved on to Vishuddha, the throat chakra, then to the third eye (Ajna) where I basically made out with his forehead and then finally I moved on to the crown where I spent 5 minutes kissing and licking the top of his head.

Once that was over I then did the same thing to him again but up the backside of his body. When the was over it was then my turn where he did the exact same thing to me and yes he started at and went straight to licking my perineum.

After this was all done we performed oral sex on each other to activate the sexual energy even more. With my chakras all opened and activated I could feel all my sexual energy rise so easily.

Because it is an oral sex ritual, partner #1 and I couldn’t have sex, which was so difficult, I mean I was itching for it. I told him how challenging it was for us not to be able to have sex and he said “Kissing you is like having sex”. [Insert sweet aww sound]

Once the ritual was complete I felt so light and my heart felt so opened, I was amazed at how open my heart felt. I asked myself “Is this how my heart is supposed to feel?”. This lasted for a few days and it felt as though something divine had lifted and awakened my heart and I was in a state of love and bliss.

I took sometime to ponder why licking each others genitals would activate and open my heart. I then realized and understood that during these rituals we were really calling upon something Divine to be with us and with grace flowing through the ritual, magical things can and do happen. Although my heart was opened I can’t help but know that this ritual and the grace that was over flowing affected me in other ways that I may never know.

To know and experience grace gave me an even deeper devotion to the Divine and I felt so blessed.

Wishing that Divine Grace flows over you now and always.

Much love,

K xo

Chakra Sex

Week one of my program had me have sex on six of the seven chakras.

The first two chakras with partner #2 was a complete disaster, as I shared earlier but I did get a second chance.

Partner #3 AKA Walter was available in the evenings and we had incredible love-making topped of with an amazing orgasm! Walter and I cared for each other and I could feel my attraction and connection with him deepen.

Then Walter and I had Manipura sex, which is the third chakra. This type of sex is very much like BDSM, dominant and submissive, it’s hot, lots of biting, but in a more sophisticated way. So, sex with Walter was great and I left feeling very fiery!

Day number four was Anahata, the heart chakra day. This was a day I was looking forward to as I had and have a lot of nervousness and resistance around making love on this chakra. This type of love-making is intimate, focused on slow, soft movements. For me this type of sex asks for me to be more vulnerable, which, like with everyone terrifies me.

Partner #1 was away from the island for a few days so Walter and I agreed to meet at a certain time and I was really excited to do this with him. That afternoon I received a message from him saying he wasn’t feeling well and that we couldn’t meet. I was devastated.

My own heart was something that I need to work on opening up and felt this was a great opportunity both physically and energetically to do that. I felt like karma got me.

I was feeling sad and hopeless, that this represented something bigger, my own barrier to love and my inability to move through it.

Day number five had me move on to Vishuddha, the throat chakra. To truly have sex on this chakra is like Gods and Goddesses having sex, I didn’t do this but my partner and I just moved our energy up to the throat area. My partner for this round was partner #2, he had returned and it was very lovely.

Day number six was Ajna day, the third eye. Again, true sex on this level is super human so for this round we were to just bring up our sexual energy to this level. This was another chakra that I really need to work on, the mental command centre as its called. My mind is a busy place and the more I can hone it in the better. Partner #2 couldn’t make this day work so I was relying on Walter. Again a text message came through saying something came up and we couldn’t meet.

Again, I was devastated. The two chakras I needed to ignite and work on most are the two where I just couldn’t make it happen.

Tears were falling down my face as the feeling of hopelessness fell over me again.

I shared my feelings and disappointments with the others in my program and got some beautiful support.

It was so interesting to see what manifested around these tasks, how “coincidentally” I somehow didn’t get to have an experience on the two areas which need the most work and therefore have the biggest opportunity for a shift to occur.

Now it’s time to crank up the awareness and really try to burn through this karma. It’s time for my heart to be open and for my mind to be precise.

I’m praying for God’s grace on this one.

Much Love, K xo